So, what is happening? What should I do? Breathe, breathe, breathe, and look at the present. Look at the events outside — but not only the events outside are important; the events in my mind are too. That is what is more difficult, because those thoughts take almost full control over me, and it is almost impossible to see them. It is like dividing my mind: one part watching, and the other where everything is happening. But all those thoughts are not me — what is me is the act of watching what is happening.
I can more easily see my thoughts just after they end. In that moment I can see them in retrospective, but what I want to learn is to see them while they are happening. This ability is what I am little by little learning. It is what would give me peace, and I will be the best version of myself, because there will not be any attachment to the past that can make me feel bad, nor any delusion about the future that can make me feel desire.
I have been capable of achieving that — being aware of my thoughts and the physical world without being part of it — and it is difficult to stay there. I am determined to achieve that all day long, not only during my meditation sessions nor only in some brief moments of the day.
Maybe the most important discovery I had in the recen years was meeting Bailey, this Canadian guy I met on the beach in the last hours of the day. He told me about Jesus, and he understood my struggle. Then I realized I was doing this wrong — I was a believer, but I didn't know Jesus could be with me at any moment of my life. Then I started to read about it. I found books from old priests and monks, and I understood a new way of meditation, because what I knew before Bailey came from Buddhist books, and their understanding is different — they say God is unnecessary in the goal towards transcendence. Now I know that it is only with God's help that I will be able to achieve salvation.
My meditation sessions improved, my concentration and tolerance started to grow faster than before. I just need to keep moving.
